PC Costco: Where They Eat With No Shame

The U.S. economy is so bad right now, more and more men are dressing like hobos and riding the rails, looking for work. What's worse? They won't stop singing, "Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?"!

With all the missing verses.

Which is why I am so grateful for Costco in Port Chester.

As long as you're a member, you can spend a little time there and get free food samples to keep you going during these perilous times. Of course, lately, I think I've been there too often and might be taking advantage. I mean, the food demonstrators shouldn't know you by your first name. They shouldn't be asking you if you'll have "the usual." Which sounds sort of sarcastic when all they're serving is Tex-Mex Cheez Whiz.

And it sounds pretty snarky, too, when they compliment your "ensemble." Even though you have a hobo's stick over your shoulder and your suit looks like part of the Boxcar Willie Collection.

Still, Costco is the highlight of my week.

Business being slow, the freebies start on the ground floor now. Recently, as I made my way through the various pharmaceuticals, I was offered both a chewable children's vitamin, and later, a chocolate-flavored chew for seniors with brittle bones. In between, I bought some baby aspirin and some pills for prostate health. It was amazing. I'd barely been in the store two minutes and I felt like I had lived through Shakespeare's 7 Ages of Man.

One of the workers said this was no coincidence, that live theater was something they were trying to get more customers into Costco. I told her it was a great idea. Although I did have my doubts about next week's lunchtime performance of "Antigone."

All these tasty pills were prologue, however, when it came to the free goodies upstairs. 

Upstairs at Costco is, of course, the main room. As in Vegas, there is a headliner, too. This day it was the free Celentano pizza. Making it the Wayne Newton of this particular venue.

Oh sure, all us Costco customers pretend to shop. We throw some muffins or rolls in our shopping carts, but we're really just waiting for the ding! of the microwave. 

And on this day, we were waiting for those free slices, with bubbling cheese so hot, once it's scorched the roof of your mouth, you need to sign up for a national skin graft registry.

There are certainly other free tastes of food here that can distract you from the headliner. Meaning, if the pizza is Wayne, then the other stuff is the food equivalent of Lola Falana, Joey Heatherton, Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme. All good, but appetizers nonetheless.

Anyway, on this particular day, I sampled a couple of crackers covered with enough lobster salad to plug up my widow maker. But delicious enough to keep me from caring. I tried to undo the damage by having a cup of a strawberry smoothie. Which was tasty, too, but its cholesterol count was unbelievably high.

Still, the person who made it said its numbers would be almost nothing if I drank it on the planet Mercury.

I have a good imagination. I pretended I was in outer space and had two more for the road.

I also had a couple of Dixie Cups full of Cape Cod chicken salad, which is unlike your garden variety chicken salad. Usually, that has chicken, celery, onions and mayonnaise. The stuff I sampled at Costco had mayo, grapes, nuts and several other unidentifiable ingredients. No discernible chicken, however. It doesn't seem like it would be good for sandwiches. But pour some milk over and I think it would make an excellent way to start the day.

Now, I gather, sometime prior to my day at Costco, they had a little . Reports vary as to the severity of this air-conditioning fluid accident. Costco said it was a mishap; the press compared it  favorably to the disaster at Three Mile Island.

I don't think it matters.

Because a few days later, everything was back to normal. And within 45 minutes of my arrival, the fabled microwave oven went ding! and all us pizza Visigoths attacked the poor woman who was hired to give out samples. The Celentano people had come through again. In fact, the stuff was better than usual. Maybe traces of freon had gotten on it. And we now know the stuff isn't dangerous. In fact, it may have to be reclassified as a condiment.

Eventually, I made my way out, my waistband tighter than when I arrived. I knew that in the current economy, one of my main problems that day had been eradicated: I'd been fed. For free, even. Now, all Costco needs to do is stay open 24/7 and my housing needs will be met, too.

Where will I stay?

Well, have you ever seen the bathrooms? Not too shabby. So, we'll see. In any case, a man can dream.

Can't he?

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