Looking For Economic Redemption

Everybody is concerned about the recent downgrading of America. Which, on the economic charts, puts us about two places up from Devil's Island. People are clearly worried about this change in our fortunes and asking, 'What will it be like for my family?' All I can say is don't watch the film "The Grapes Of Wrath" anytime soon.

You're just going to have to trust me on this.

I have my own way of dealing with my particular financial fears. I gather my cans together and redeem them at the A&P, at Washington Park Plaza. It keeps coins jingling in my pocket and it feels like I'm doing something. At least before I learn a few Woody Guthrie songs and hop a freight. And hoping I can find work in Californy!

Now, there's an art to redeeming cans. You need a bag of them big enough to make a profit. But not so big that homeless guys let you get to the front of the line and slip you a few bucks when you're leaving, telling you that they hope you catch a break soon.

First, what do you wear when you go to the store to perform this task? People who are embarrassed about can redemption sometimes try and compensate by wearing a jacket-and-tie and affecting a Prep School accent. Which not only looks silly, but usually results in those homeless guys taking their money back.

And it may be no better a strategy to dress like Boxcar Willie. Meaning, wearing a dusty jacket, worn-out shoes and a hobo's bindle over your shoulder. Suppose your neighbors see you? And worse. What if they don't act a bit surprised? You're just out to return some cans. You don't want to have your worst fears about your life confirmed.

Of course, the trick is to do this whole thing as anonymously as possible. To wear simple clothes and not draw attention to yourself. Which can keep you from being embarrassed. Not to mention, being pointed out in a line-up later on.

Now, as anyone who's ever redeemed even a single can of Mountain Dew will tell you, there's one major stumbling block that awaits you here. What do you do if the machine lights up and says, "Bin Full, Call Staff"? This is the kind of ethical dilemma that might've turned Socrates into a babbling idiot. He's just lucky they didn't sell soft drinks in ancient Greece.

Although, maybe they did. Especially Yoo Hoo. And I think they're still selling some of the original ones!

So, here's your predicament, the 'moment critique,' that could determine the rest of your life. If the machine has jammed, do you holler out to a store employee to help, embarrassing yourself and effectively ruining your credit rating for the next seven years? Or do you smile philosophically, walk away and cut your losses? Knowing that that pack of cigarettes you planned to buy with your change has just, uh, gone up in smoke?

Is there a mean between these two extremes?

Having done the trick several times, I can say, somewhat emphatically, yes. If you develop a relationship with a store employee, you can come up with a series of secret signals that will let them know what's going on in Can Redemption Land.

Now, generally, such signals can be very similar to those of a 3rd base coach. You can either take your hat off (the machine is full) or rub your forearms (I can't get my receipt) and you're good. However, don't add a chin-grab to this last one. Unless you want the employee to run over and then slide into you, spikes up. This will give the whole thing away.

Also, if the employee is female and cute, you can probably come up with a signal that says, 'What are you doing tonight?' Though the fact that you're redeeming cans might impact her response. And you may not hear back right away.

As far as leaving the store with your loot? This requires a certain finesse, too. You don't want to skulk away, muttering to yourself. And you don't want to celebate too much either. I'm talking that crazy, happy prospector's dance that Walter Huston does in "The Treasure Of Sierra Madre." While yelling, 'Dad gummit, I'm rich!' Once again, the neighbors could be there. And again, they may not be surprised by this behavior at all.

You want to take your receipt to an A&P cashier, thank her and leave quietly. Don't shake her hand, or break into tears. Just quietly slip away. Of course, if you get into a BMW at this point and drive off, this whole thing will need closer examination. Unless, you're now living in this car. In which case? After the past few weeks in America? All I can say is, don't despair. Because, my friend, you're not alone.